Folks! I just had to do this…I just have to give everyone out there a chance to read what has to be the best concert account in history. Taken from my best friend’s blog a few months back….Enjoy! -ian
The day began like any other. Driving to work. Late. Listening to crappy local rock station. As I pulled into the parking garage they radio station began to go to commercial break. (voice of annoying radio personality) “That was some lame band playing some song that sounds like all those other worthless songs you will hear over and over again through out your boring work day. But right now we’ve got concert tickets to give away!” My interest was slightly peaked, perhaps there was some band playing tonight that had snuck in under my radar and I wouldn’t mind going if it was free. “The tenth caller to our station right now will get two tickets to see Gwar tonight at The Village!” No way, Gwar? I just saw those dudes on Jimmy Fallon like two nights ago. Yes Gwar. The ridiculous metal band, popularized by the show Bevis and Butthead, and their outrageous concerts where the band members dressed as monsters from outer space spray fake blood on to the audience. I’ve got to see this. I called but never got through. So if I was going to see this spectacle I was gunna have to fork out some cash.
Due to the rather graphic videos posted on the internet of the band Gwar I was unable to convince any of my coworkers to attend the show with me that night. So that evening I began my adventure alone.
First, some Taco Bell. Next, a $20 cover charge. Really? 20 bucks to get soaked in fake blood and listen to a band that I could not name one of their songs? Oh well, I’ve blown money on far stupider things. Or so I thought.
The first band sucked. A way too loud metal band from Ohio with 3 dudes that were older than the parents of most of the people in the crowd. I have to give them credit tough. Still out there trying to live that rock n roll dream. I guess if you are the opening band for the opening band of Gwar then things can only get better, not worse.
The next band was a hardcore punk band from NYC. They weren’t bad. The lead singer had pink liberty spikes and the lead guitar player had a green mohawk. I guess they think it’s still 1984. The lead singer was missing some teeth, so I gave him some credit. He probably does live the true hard core lifestyle. Also before that band came out there was a pretty weak mosh pit consisting of a few high school kids, a couple of fat goth chicks and a really dunk middle aged man. But then these skinhead guys showed up to see the punk band. And when the music started they proceeded to annihilate the members of the aforementioned mosh pit. Knocking people down and pretty much destroying other moshers in their path. I found this to be slightly amusing. But my amusement would be short lived. Most punk bands only know how to play like 8 or 9 songs. And since punk songs are usually only one and a half to two minutes in length the set was over rather quickly. The skinheads also left. It’s unfortunate because the only thing that would have made their dominance of the mosh pit more impressive would have been the addition of fake blood.
So then a group of roadies took the stage, and began to cover all amplifiers and other electronics with plastic. This I assumed, was to protect from the gallons of red liquid that soon would spill out over the entire venue. The final touch was added with the placement of fake swords and axes to the stage. It was go time!
The house lights went down and the silhouetted figures began to walk on to the set. In an instant loud rock music began to pour out of the amps. The stage lights came on and two zombie like figures were decapitated by Oderus Urungus, the monster persona of the lead singer of Gwar! Each song began first with a skit of some type, usually some sort of satirical take on a current event. Oderus talked about how on the previous night the Republican Party had run the table on the election. So he would help us all out by guaranteeing that Sarah Palin would never be our president. He decapitated an effigy of her. And fake blood spewed from her neck hole for the remainder of the song.
This continued through out the show. I thought by standing 30 or so feet from the stage I would be clear of and fake blood streams. Boy was I wrong. I was douched in the stuff along with all the other freaks. There were other public figures that met their demise on the stage that night, Lady Gaga, Michael Vick, the list goes on. But the finale of the event was when the lead singer used a very large penis codpiece thing to spray what he described as, “AIDS infected, blood, urine” on the crowd. And after seeing a midget get sprayed in the face while crowd surfing I came to the conclusion that: I have now seen it all.
The set ended, the house lights came up, Staying Alive by The Beegees was the music that played over the PA system as I made my exit. All in all it was an interesting night. I can take comfort in knowing that Gwar is out there somewhere else tonight. Putting on a freak show for the unsuspecting residence of some other community nestled deep in the bible belt. Was it worth $20 to see this farce? I don’t know, but like I’ve always said, “Better to regret something you did than something you didn’t do.”
Buenos noches and adios amigos.